How many ways can you get 100?

How do you classify 100%

The gospel song "99 1/2 Won't Do" (as performed by Hezekiah Walker), preaches:

Lord I'm running,

Trying to make a hundred because,

Ninety-Nine, and a half won't do

Given my recent disinterest in my future, this question is one that has come up with surprising frequency. I know a lot of people who strive to be their absolute best and they are often perplexed by my seeming lack of drive. I ask, however, what constitutes "best", or "100%" or "full potential?" To some, this is centered around reaching the highest level of quantifiable achievement possible (be that fiscal, academic, or agency-designated). But, is this really their best? And how can you measure it?

I have been told for my entire life that I can be whatever I want to be. Because I was capable, I have wanted to be everything ranging from a doctor, to an investment banker, to a CEO. However, after lots and lots of years of school, I know one thing: If I attempted to become the thing that would take the greatest academic effort, I would be a douchebag. A successful douchebag with lots of money and certificates, but a douchebag nonetheless. I would never roadtrip, or go out, or get anything (non-academic) from college. It was out of class, in fact, that I learned some of my most poignant and important life lessons.

So for those of you who are striving to reach their absolute best, I encourage you to really consider exactly what that means to you; it may be less cut and dry that one would originally assume.

OOOooo! Is that the symbol for luck?

No. It actually says "At the end of the day, this is an ugly boy"

I have a tattoo behind my left ear. Of a ladybug. In flight. I absolutely love it. People often see it and marvel at how cute, or feminine, or creative it is. It is inevitable that I will get the question “So what’s the story behind that?” Unlike most people who have long, involved stories of the significance of their markings and their emotional attachment to it's meaning, mine is short and always the same: “It was a joke that went too far.”

While I love (or learn to love) pretty much every decision I make, I often encounter people that are living with something that they regret daily. Be it a drunken collegiate tattoo, any hairstyle from 1981-1995, or a relationship that went bad, people often devote a great deal of energy to begrudging a past that is, if anything, unalterable. While I in no way advocate forgetting your past (it does repeat, you know), I offer the following suggestions:


1) Regret causes premature wrinkling and diminished health. OK. I can't prove that. But it does make you act old and lame.



2) Everything is a learning experience. Granted, other people may learn more than you (like, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get a unicorn tattooed on my lower back!" or "Unprotected sex with strangers? Not so smart.") Don't be sad; just call yourself a professor and keep it moving.



3) Mistakes make for the best stories! See: Pursuit of Happyness




4) Was it really that bad? Honestly, it might have been. Regardless, you cannot undo it. Find a way to turn lemons into lemonade (or a Lemon Drop if you're really sad).



5) Mistakes can produce masterpieces. You never know.



6) Dwelling on the negative makes it impossible to produce anything positive. If your past makes it impossible to make new memories, you are as lame as the thing you regret.


7) Think ahead! You cannot undo what has happened, but you can work proactively to avoid negativity in your life.


In my personal opinion, regret is one of the most illogical, non-productive emotions possible. Therefore, if you end up with "ugly boy" instead of "strength" tattooed on your arm, make it into a joke and create a stand-up routine.

Why use a gun when I can use a keypad? Internet Goonin!

Since the advent of Facebook and MySpace, Internet Gooning (or iGoonin' for short) has become increasingly more prevalent among young adults. For many, the Internet provides a useful tool to relay information, share opinions, and gain knowledge. For (lame) others, the world wide web has becomes a stage to stand up and shout "Hey! You! In the green shirt! You're gay, and I'm going to make sure that all 367 of my Facebook friends know it through this status update!"


I am writing this blog because, about 30 minutes ago, I became guilty of this myself. In a moment of rage, I changed my Facebook status to address a young man who is more of a tool than all of Craftsman's products combined (**Note: I recognize that this an "iGoonin'" statement; I thought the comparison was to perfect to not use in this blog). After about 10 minutes and the lunch special at Tatu, however, I realized that, by addressing this douche, I myself became guilty of the same things that I chastised him for. I can understand succumbing to iGoonin' in a moment of weakness, but making it as a habit should be avoided at all costs. I offer the following suggestions:


1) If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. More specifically, the Internet is probably the least appropriate stage for your comments; why make a public record of how "crazy" you are?

2) If more than 30% of your FB status updates, MySpace info or twits are about other people, you are probably an iGoon. And, you are definitely lame.

3) If you are constantly iGoonin', then you are probably the problem!


4) If you haven't made the statement to the person, then you shouldn't be iGoonin. Don't magnify the bitchassness of iGoonin' by talking behind someone's back.


5) In the words of my lovely sister "What you need to do, is get some monies in your pocket and some business 'bout yourself!" The words of Will Smith also suffice "Mind your business! Just mind your business!" (Note: When you iGoon, your business becomes the world's business, so don't become surprised when people know more about you than you think they should!)


6) Using iGoonin' for attention is the lamest possible use of the Internet. Under-utilizing the wonder of the Internet like going to the fair and not eating the food. Illogical. Make better use of your Internet time!


7) If you go on the Internet specifically to iGoon, then you should probably get rid of your Internet connection....because clearly, you don't need it.



8) If you must iGoon, PLEASE BE SPECIFIC. Nothing is worse than a status such as "All these trife a** hoes need to mind their business!" Without at least a name, not only are you lame, but you're scared and lame.



9) Back you're statements up! Do not make empty claims. For example, you should only make claims about a house via updates on your cell phone from someone's front steps.


10) DO NOT BECOME ANGRY WHEN PEOPLE RESPOND TO iGoonin' WITH MORE iGoonin'! It is a vicious cycle that can only be ended through real goonin'!

I apologize to anyone that has ever been negatively impacted by iGoonin'. And iGoons, be advised that, at some point, you may accidentally iGoon a real goon; I am confident that is not your intention, so maybe you should reevaluate while you can...

-HR

How excited are you about graduation?

Fall 2009

The Mirage, Las Vegas

The economic climate currently is bad. Like, awful. That almost goes without saying. For a soon-to-be graduate with a $100,000 degree that is essentially meaningless (I didn't major in a technical field...bad call), it is not the most reassuring reality in the world. Years ago, I could have been content knowing that, while my future was not yet determined, I could take time exploring different career opportunities 30 DAYS style until I found the one that was right for me. In 2009, with lawyers working as bartenders and spokes models masquerading as...strippers (?) I didn't anticipate a very promising job market. However, not a single day has gone by that someone has not excitedly asked me about my future prospects. I cannot speak for all graduates, but I personally have no desire to discuss a future that if anything, is currently undetermined. In fact, my new standard answer to any question related to a future will be "bartender in Las Vegas" or "truck driver in Ohio." (*I support all directionless graduating seniors to take the same approach). For those of you who know graduating seniors, I offer the following suggestions:



1) Do not ask what their future prospects are! Un-voluteered information is unavailable information.



2) Do not assume that this question is not asked constantly. In addition to your family, friends, and strangers inquiring about the future, the graduate asks themselves constantly what they want to do. You are not helping figure out answers.


3) Your suggestions are typically unnecessary and are anti-helpful. I do not want a job in HR, or to go back to school; if I wanted those things then I would probably be pursuing them. Also, any statement that starts with "Have you thought about doing..." should literally get you punched in the face.



4) If you can get me a job not working and making money (ala Rob and Big or being a voice for an animated cartoon), then I would love to hear about it! Otherwise, no. I would not like to work as an assistant manager at Target.



5) KNOWING THAT OTHER GRADUATES ARE HAVING THE SAME ISSUES IS NOT REASSURING! I recognize that everyone is dealing with a difficult job market. This, however, does not help me find any discernible direction. It doesn't make me feel better and is not constructive.

6) Graduates do not want to be jobless. No part of me wants to not figure out what I will be doing on May 4th. However, this is my reality. Do not assume that the millions of my peers that will be sitting at home want to be sitting at home.


7) Don't try to put yourself in the shoes of the graduate! More than likely they won't be able to afford to buy new ones for a while, so they need them.



8) Reminding the graduate of past successes does not encourage them to look toward a promising future. I had 47 campus positions, 3 jobs, 16 volunteering commitments, a 4.8 GPA, and a really awesome smile. And no job. I'm pretty sure I remember what I did, so unless you're hiring me, don't tell me that I'm qualified.



9) It will be OK, eventually. Eventually could be in 2027, so please do not remind the graduate of their awesome prospects at some point in the future.



10) Don't forget what it was like to feel this way! If my future falls into my lap tomorrow, I would be a true tool if I repeated these same mistakes to another person.



Because my friends are rude, I am 100% confident that they will continue to ask me what my plans are; specifically, they will read this blog and ask then what my plans are. That's fine. Look for me behind a bar at the Mirage.

This Could Be the Lamest Thing...Ever. Or the Flyest...either way, I'm participating.

I have never actively maintained any written record of my existence for several reasons including, but not limited to:

1. I don't care to remember the things that I probably would have written down
2. People typically write down lame things/memories/emotions which make them appear emo
3. I lose notebooks
4. The odds of me re-reading anything that I previously wrote was slim to none

That being said, I'm amazed that I'm creating this right now. While there is typically a celebration of the current trend of the individual power to create media, I personally think it is extremely unrealistic and conceited to believe that most individual thought is profound, or interesting, or significant enough to be produced for a public venue. However, since there is an ever-growing bandwagon which provides me a stage to write down my rants, most specifically for Jonathan Lesane, I will do so.