Why use a gun when I can use a keypad? Internet Goonin!

Since the advent of Facebook and MySpace, Internet Gooning (or iGoonin' for short) has become increasingly more prevalent among young adults. For many, the Internet provides a useful tool to relay information, share opinions, and gain knowledge. For (lame) others, the world wide web has becomes a stage to stand up and shout "Hey! You! In the green shirt! You're gay, and I'm going to make sure that all 367 of my Facebook friends know it through this status update!"


I am writing this blog because, about 30 minutes ago, I became guilty of this myself. In a moment of rage, I changed my Facebook status to address a young man who is more of a tool than all of Craftsman's products combined (**Note: I recognize that this an "iGoonin'" statement; I thought the comparison was to perfect to not use in this blog). After about 10 minutes and the lunch special at Tatu, however, I realized that, by addressing this douche, I myself became guilty of the same things that I chastised him for. I can understand succumbing to iGoonin' in a moment of weakness, but making it as a habit should be avoided at all costs. I offer the following suggestions:


1) If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. More specifically, the Internet is probably the least appropriate stage for your comments; why make a public record of how "crazy" you are?

2) If more than 30% of your FB status updates, MySpace info or twits are about other people, you are probably an iGoon. And, you are definitely lame.

3) If you are constantly iGoonin', then you are probably the problem!


4) If you haven't made the statement to the person, then you shouldn't be iGoonin. Don't magnify the bitchassness of iGoonin' by talking behind someone's back.


5) In the words of my lovely sister "What you need to do, is get some monies in your pocket and some business 'bout yourself!" The words of Will Smith also suffice "Mind your business! Just mind your business!" (Note: When you iGoon, your business becomes the world's business, so don't become surprised when people know more about you than you think they should!)


6) Using iGoonin' for attention is the lamest possible use of the Internet. Under-utilizing the wonder of the Internet like going to the fair and not eating the food. Illogical. Make better use of your Internet time!


7) If you go on the Internet specifically to iGoon, then you should probably get rid of your Internet connection....because clearly, you don't need it.



8) If you must iGoon, PLEASE BE SPECIFIC. Nothing is worse than a status such as "All these trife a** hoes need to mind their business!" Without at least a name, not only are you lame, but you're scared and lame.



9) Back you're statements up! Do not make empty claims. For example, you should only make claims about a house via updates on your cell phone from someone's front steps.


10) DO NOT BECOME ANGRY WHEN PEOPLE RESPOND TO iGoonin' WITH MORE iGoonin'! It is a vicious cycle that can only be ended through real goonin'!

I apologize to anyone that has ever been negatively impacted by iGoonin'. And iGoons, be advised that, at some point, you may accidentally iGoon a real goon; I am confident that is not your intention, so maybe you should reevaluate while you can...

-HR